Thursday, November 29, 2007

Jerk

I was a jerk this morning.

I left work to go to speech therapy. My speech therapist is a very nice, younger lady whom we will call "J". I pulled into the parking lot behind the doctor's offices (same building as my E, N & T doctor, Dr. S) and tried to maneuver into a parking space that was close. There was one that I wanted, but I was not in a good position to pull into it. I drive a full-size car, so maneuverability in tight areas can be tough.

I went further into the lot, pulled in, backed out and went to the space I wanted. I pulled as far to the left as I could so I could turn into the space easily. Another driver entered the parking lot and pulled up pretty much nose-to-nose with my car, obviously wanting by...on the proper side.

I made a somewhat rude gesture, as if to say "Can't you see I am trying to get into this space?!" I managed to get into the space awkwardly, and had to back in and out a few times to straighten up. Had the person backed up, went around on the right (there was plenty of space) or just plain not been there, I could have pulled in just fine. I mumbled a few "choice" words under my breath about the other driver, and went on my way.

On the way across the parking lot, the lady driver from the offending car spoke to me, and said "Good morning!" I said "Good morning!" back as pleasantly as I could and smiled at her.

I didn't realize until I got to the elevators that the lady was none other than MY SPEECH THERAPIST! Now I really felt like a prick; she is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She has such a disarming quality about her personality. And she has the prettiest green eyes, almost a yellow-green.

I did not want to go to my appointment, because I didn't want to face her. I was afraid of the possibility of confrontation, which is new and different, too. I did go to my appointment, and it was ok, no problems and no mention of anything that happened in the parking lot.

I may have explained it to her, in not so many words, that my jaw has been hurting me quite a bit lately. Every time I move my jaw, a sharp pain jolts from my cheek up to my ear. Quite painful, actually. On the way to work this morning, I sneezed and nearly lost control of my car because of the severe pain.

One thing that I have noticed since the cancer is that I have mellowed out. Back in the day (cliche, no?) I would have just stopped my car and flipped the bird and maybe even kick the door of the offending car in and start a fight or something. I used to be in a perpetual bad mood, but now I don't really talk out loud to other drivers as I am driving along or make commentary on how stupid every other driver is. You know how it is, you are driving along and another driver does something stupid and you holler to no one in particular a few choice words. I find that I don't really think bad thoughts about other drivers, or other people, anymore either.

I am coming to think that getting cancer may be a blessing in disguise. I don't need any more blessings like that, thank you very much! I would like less painful, less invasive blessings, if you please.

Update: I am now 227 lbs., loss of 71 lbs. so far.

2 comments:

Shari said...

This is something I had issues with in Japan before. It was a bit worse in my case because I'd shout out (while riding my bike on the sidewalk) in anger when stupid pedestrians would meander in front of me while I was riding home. The most frustrating part was that I would gently ring my bell to warn them but they would walk all over the street anyway. As I got closer, they'd often wander right in my path because they were so self-involved that they couldn't be bothered to notice anything about their surroundings.

I shouted out at people that pissed me off for years thinking none of them understood the things I was saying anyway because I was speaking English and they were Japanese. One day some particularly rude and oblivious people (walking two abreast and blocking the street entirely) ignored me and I yelled out "stupid!" One of the two people was a foreign woman (which I didn't realize from the back) and she shouted back (haltingly and in embarrassment) "you're stupid."

At that point in time, I realized that I was only acting badly because I perceived no consequence for my actions because I live in Japan. It's the same reason why people are rude to people in cars. They feel its anonymous and random enough they'll never face the people they act poorly towards.

I think your "moment" was similar to mine though certainly a much more personal one. At that point, I figured out that I didn't want to be the person running about being angry at the world for getting in my way and changed my outlook.

badmoodguy (Бадмўдгуи) said...

Shari: Great story! I used to feel like that alot, and with everything. Even when we would get a "stupid" help desk call, I would usually have some kind of commentary or snide remark to go along with it. I don't even do that anymore, I just take a relaxed attitude towards the issue and help the person. It is not like they are interrupting my life as it is sort of my job.

I whole heartedly agree with your statement in the final paragraph, "I figured out that I didn't want to be the person running about being angry at the world for getting in my way and changed my outlook." Since I had plenty of time while on leave of absence to myself, I did quite a bit of soul searching...in between episodes of Star Trek and my favorite BBC programmes...and I realized that I had a tendency to get worked up over pretty much nothing. So, I began to consciously make an effort to mellow out, because I did not have the energy to continue on in that manner, and I didn't want to come off as a jerk if I had a blow up in public. It would have only been a matter of time until I did something that I would really, really regret.

It must rub off, too, because my best bud Chris (with whom I work) has mellowed out significantly, too. Not as much as I, because he bears the brunt of help desk calls, but it is a noticeable change.