Another Math Joke

Here's a funny one from Neatorama, one of my favorite websites in the whole wide web...

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

LOL! Indeed, as stated by the caption on Neatorama, Pythagoras is rolling in his grave!

Leaf Creature

I believe that the image below is one of the few that could change history. Study it carefully, for this is a scout working for our future insect masters. He/she/it is obviously scoping out territory and gauging our expected response to their impending invasion.

Fig. 1: One of our future insect masters.
Sony alpha 200, Minolta Macro Zoom 300mm, f5.6 @ 1/200 sec., ISO 400.

Enclicken the image for a closer look.
Together we can fight for our futures!

Thinking of Papaw

I was thinking of my dearly departed grandfather on my mother's side, or papaw as I always called him.

I remember a riddle that he would tell me all the time, and I was thinking of it just now for some odd reason.

On my way to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
The seven wives had seven sacks,
the seven sacks held seven cats,
each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks and wives;
how many were going to St. Ives?

I am not great at math but I would often try to figure it out. I would never arrive at the proper solution, in his mind, because I was over thinking the problem. Conventional wisdom would assume that if the traveler going to St. Ives met someone on the way, then it would mean that the person they met would be traveling away from St. Ives. By this pattern of thinking the answer would be one. There would only be one person in the story going to St. Ives.

Nothing is said of that the group could have been traveling slower than the traveler and they all were headed in the same direction. If this is the case, then... (please bear with me as I am no good at math)

1 Traveler
1 Man (with 7 wives)
7 Wives (each with 7 sacks)
49 Sacks (each with 7 cats)
343 Cats (each with 7 kits)
2,401 Kits

There would be 2,802 items traveling to St. Ives. With this volume of feline objects, one could be certain as to why they would be traveling slower. And seven... SEVEN ...wives! Holy crap!

Papaw also used to tell me how to spell "Cincinnati"... C - I - N - "needle and pin" - "gnat and a fly" - cincinnati - I.

I miss mamaw and papaw both dearly.

I better get this back!

I get a lot of email. As per usual, about 98% is crap that I can delete straight away. There are a select number of people that I get emails from that I automatically delete because they are forwards of some crap email that they got and just HAVE to send along.

You've probably gotten such emails (almost always, the subject is prefixed with "FWD:", which is a telltale of pseudo-spam) that have a cutesy picture or some new nugget of wisdom from the crabby card-lady Maxine or a flash animation saying how much of a valued friend that you are to the person that forwarded it to you.

If I was really your friend, you would not clog my inbox with crap like this.

The ones that really irritate me are the chain letter type. You know the ones. "You are a great friend! This email shows you are special to me! Show someone else you are special and pass this on to as many friends that you have. If you send this to 4.3 million people in the next 5 nanoseconds, the love of your life will appear and murder you with a piano-wire garrote."

Sometimes these have an addition, which makes it oh so much better! Sometimes this addition is even in the subject line! I better get this back! Oh, yeah, like I am really going to do that.

There is an elderly gent that I have known for a number of years, K. His wife and I used to work together years and years back. They are a very sweet couple. (They knew Elvis personally. True story.) K has nothing better to do all day than to surf the interwebs. He goes everywhere and picks up every piece of spyware and every virus out there, much to my chagrin since I have to fix it. The most aggravating part, however, is the mass of emails he forwards. Everything from these sappy emails to links to some inane piece of information that I have no need to know. But, I just click delete because there really is nothing that I can do about it. I get nearly twenty emails a day like this just from him. Sometimes they are exact duplicates!

Don't people have something more constructive to do than to put together a sappy email with angel pictures and roses with sparklies with some poem detailing how "special" someone is to you, and tells them they have to forward this email to everyone they know otherwise bad things will happen? To top it off, there is a demand that the receiver has to reciprocate and send the email back to the sender who had it originally to start the process over again? Does the sender really want it back? Would they have sent it off to begin with if they wanted it in the first place?

It really rings my chimes that these "I better get this back!" email usually have a statement to the effect that if I don't send this back, then I am not a real friend. Harumph, I say.

A friend would rather have a short, "Hey, how ya doin'? Just thinking about ya!" email than some horrible, long drawn out poem that could not normally get published in a journal or book so the author has to blast it across the interwebs for all to see email that makes unreasonable demands.

A real friend would not forward such things in the first place, thus allowing bandwidth savings for good uses of the interwebs like downloading pirated films, hard-core pr0n or the latest virus and spyware.

If you forward this to 10,629 people within the next 4 microseconds, something terrific will happen to someone you don't know somewhere. If you fail to do so, the fleas of a thousand camels will infest a thousand camels. And I had better not get this back. I didn't want it to begin with!

Police Log

I just now got done filing my taxes for 2007. I think this is the fastest I have ever gotten it done, and I am surprised that I got all my documentation on time this year. I'm getting a good refund, which makes me happy...but it is almost all spent already. I have to get new tires and brakes, plus a new water heater.

Anyhow, I don't do a lot of web surfing. This is because once you see one website, you've seen them all. Well...almost.

While reading a favorite blog, Jalopnik...the blog for cars, there was a link to a newspaper in a small town in California. Arcata, California, to be exact.

The newspaper, the Arcata Eye, bills itself as "the mildly objectionable weekly newspaper for Arcata, California." This is a great independent newspaper that has news in it that real people could get in to. I wish the papers here in the Dayton area were so good...

Anyhow, the best part of the paper is the Police Log. Every small newspaper has a police log that points out some of the more interesting pieces of information that the local constabulary makes available from their reports.

This is some of the funniest stuff that I have ever read. It is filled with gems, like this...

2:16 p.m. She’s not getting along with her ex-boyfriend, and now her rear-view mirrors are broken. Coincidence? One wonders. Well, she does anyway.

8:59 p.m. He may have been the most drunken man to ever stagger the earth, and he added to his repertoire of senseless activity by banging on the walls of his Alliance Road apartment and screaming. Police advised silence as an alternative to jail.

12:06 p.m. In retrospect, it was sheer foolishness to leave a portable computer, wallet and other valuables in a car at Fourth and J streets over the weekend.

• Sunday, January 6 10:24 a.m. A damaged raccoon on Samoa Boulevard was ministered to (see story, page B4).

6:12 p.m. A man in a red jacket ranted and raved at an electrical box on H Street.

3:34 a.m. A man on the Plaza had an argument with himself until asked to debate his inner demons elsewhere.

2:07 p.m. He left his wallet in his sweatshirt with his backpack in front of a Westwood market for “just a minute.”

4:41 p.m. A suspected sub-genius in a long black trench coat whiled away the afternoon pointing toy guns at cars entering a Uniontown parking lot.

Makes you think that police work in Arcata, California is really fun!

The author of these tidbits of gendarme reality is Kevin Hoover, and he apparently has several books out of his famous police logs, detailing some of the greatest bits and pieces of Arcata police history.

I must warn you, however, that if you go to the website to read the funniest police logs you will ever read, you may just spend hours reading. You have been warned!

The Latest Obsession

Sometimes I get completely absorbed by something. I get to the point where I get so obsessed that I cannot live without whatever the subject of my obsession is.

When I was young, I, of course, had video games. I had a Nintendo system and played the likes of Tetris (which I was very good at) and Super Mario Brothers. In fact, my dad and I would play marathon sessions of Mario, at one point we would play about 6 hours straight!

As time went on, many house moves and familial tragedies forced me to give up video games. I could play, if I desired, but I had so much other stuff on my mind that playing games was the last thing I would thing about. I feel like I missed a lot of what childhood is all about.

Years later, my mom and I helped my dad outfit his truck with a new TV, and to keep him occupied we got him a Sony PlayStation 2 so he could play games and watch DVDs. I played with it for a bit, and thought that it would be fun, so I got one a few weeks later. I got a few games, and played with it on occasion. I just didn't really get into the whole gaming scene, as there was little on the PS2 platform to interest me.

Last weekend I took all my old video games and consoles (including the PS2) to our favorite local resale shop and sold them. Since I didn't play with them anymore, there was no sense in keeping them.

The one system I did play with is a Nintendo GameBoy SP. This is a little handheld system that I got years back because it had several of the original NES Mario games on it, like Super Mario 3, which was my favorite of the Mario series on the NES.

As an after Christmas surprise, mom and dad got me a Nintendo DS. This is a nice unit, as the screen is much clearer than my little SP, and newer games are available. I have been playing with this quite alot. The more I played with the variety of games that I have for the handheld system, the more I began to think that I missed out on something great.

The two popular consoles when I bought the PS2 was, of course, the PS2 and the Nintendo GameCube. I had not considered the GameCube, because of the overwhelming advertising push that Sony did to make the PS2 stand out. This is where I made my mistake. I should have gone with the system that had my favorite game characters, something that I could relate to.

Last weekend I broke down and bought a GameCube at our favorite resale shop. I got as many of the pre-owned goodies with it as they had, which included a module that allows one to play games from their GameBoy systems, of which I have quite a few. I also bought a few games on the little GameCube CDs. I thought that a few Mario games would keep me entertained.

This is where the obsession comes in.

Two of the games I purchased for the GameCube are StarFox Adventures and StarFox Assault. I had never had the opportunity to play StarFox on the Super Nintendo, and I never owned a Nintendo 64...another piece of childhood that I'm missing.

Fig. 1: The StarFox team
(l-r) Slippy, Peppy, Falco and Fox

I have not stopped playing these StarFox games.
I don't even watch TV anymore.

I cannot believe how much of a stress reliever they can be. The game play is great, the graphics amazing. I've never been a real "shooting game" kind of person, but I have really enjoyed these games...especially StarFox Assault. When I am at work, I long to get back home to play some more.

One of these days, I will have to pick up a Wii. The GameCube games are compatible with the Wii, and should look just as good as on the GameCube. But as of now, I am having much too much fun with it. Perhaps if and when they come out with a StarFox game for the Wii I'll take the plunge!

I think I came by this addictive, obsessive-compulsive personality by genetics. My mother is the same way...don't ask about her "Beanie Babies". We don't speak of that. Ever.

Smart People and Math Jokes

I just realized today that I hang around a lot of smart people. I think I do so, so I can try to feel like I am in kindred company. I don't think I'm very bright...sure, I'm a college grad, and I have both Microsoft's MCSE certification and Cisco's CCNA certifications...but, still. A chimp could pass the MCSE, and I know quite a few of what we call "Paper MCSEs"...people that just studied the books and tested, rather than having real-world experience to back up their certifications. I am rather proud of my Cisco certification, though. That was a tough one.

Anyhow, I was looking over geeky jokes this week, and sent my engineer friend RDW this...

Little Poly Nomial

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.

She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

"Eureka!" she gasped.

"Ho Ho," he said, "what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs."

"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me, I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."

"i,i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen" replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet," he said.

"Of course not," Polly exclaimed indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."

"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!" gasped Polly.

"EXCHLF" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

Pretty funny, that. Such a horrible story line, but told in a geeky, funny way...I just had to laugh. RDW thought it was funny, but in his typical fashion, he had to come up with a corollary to the story...to make it a happy ending...

RDW's Response to Little Poly Nomial

All seemed truly lost. Poor Poly Nomial. Poor Bi Nomial! It seemed that there entire life was tied up in knots.

But then the mother of Poly Nomial, Bi Nomial, remembered that her husband, the father of Poly Nomial from whom Poly Nomial had been differentiated and derived would return home soon.

Multivariate Polynomial expanded into the space with a myriad of rational functions and all sorts of extensive sensitivity analysis.

Bi Nomial described the Poly Nomial conundrum and replicated the data into his cognizant set until the information was complete and congruent.

He knew that multivariate interpolation could resolve remainder formulas on interpolated knot sets. At Multivariate’s core expression, he knew that there must be a way to restore symmetry to Poly Nomial.

He remained unified and singular at his point of origin and hence was aware that the roots of any polynomial can always be expressed as multivariate hypergeometric functions. Poly Nomial was not just an arbitrary Poly Nomial. She had always been symmetric and rational and hence always consisted and expressed rational functions. Even the quotients of her derivative polynomials therefore must also be rational expressions. Any function that could be used to evaluate the situation at hand would evaluate rational expressions and hence would also be rational functions.

Multivariate decided to apply the Null Set, power sum symmetric polynomials, hyperbolic rational functions and complete homogeneous symmetric polynomials to the situation. Poly Nomial knew that she was being transformed, but was confident in Multivariate’s ability to neutralize dysfunctions and to restore rational functionality to he space. She began to experience an expansion of her matrix as Multivariate restored, applied and truncated her problems by exposing her to numerous infinite series, and by causing transformations rotations, inversions, permutations, combinations and transcendent functions.

This process indeed took time, but Multivariate increased the memory, expanded the bus width, increased the clock speed and utilized sets of multiple processors and coprocessors to minimize Poly Nomial's discomfort and divergence. Her problems were expanded to infinity. She began to experience a concept of googleplex. But just as she felt she was losing rationality, Multivariant dispersed the fragmented fractals into imaginary space and re-established singularity and unity.

Within mere moments, the infinite series had reached it asymptotic plane. All dysfunctions were normalized as the null set and imaginary space absorbed all discontinuities and hyperbolic space twisted the matrix back into normal Euclidian space once again. Poly Nomial's problems had all been transformed into imaginary expressions and sent to the void of the nulls set.

Poly Nomial was singular again with undefiled secs. Her brackets were restored and were symmetric again. Multivariate saved the day! And now there was little Quadrinomial that would need to be raised to a power. Multivariate, Bi and Poly were singular knowing that Quadrinomial could be raised to a power and could easily be integrated into their family regardless of the cause of his deviation and derivation.

All had been differentiated and normalized. The constants were clearly identified. Poly Nomial was rational and symmetric again.

And somewhere in the space, the sound of "Eureka" reverberated in the singularity.

Geniuses can have great senses of humor! I just wish I understood most of this stuff!

Radioactive Man: An Addendum

While I was getting radiation treatments, a number of people asked if I was still radioactive after the treatments.

No. I don't glow in the dark, either, though it would be cool if I did!

There are quite a few different methods of radiation treatment. The most common and typical treatment, which I underwent, is x-ray therapy. This involves a machine, not unlike an overgrown x-ray machine, that shoots x-rays at you. These are, of course, hundreds of times more powerful than what is used to generate an x-ray image. Similar to this is a treatment called HDR, or High-Dose Radiation. This is similar to what happens in the typical radiation therapy, excepct it is even stronger. These machines are computer controlled and can deliver a precise dosage of radiation to specific areas in three dimensions.

Another type of treatment is the implantation of radioactive seeds around the affected area. They insert little tubular reservoirs down to the affected location, then drop in the seeds...oftentimes particles of material suspended in a liquid...for a predetermined amount of time. This type of therapy allows a higher dose of radiation in a shorter amount of time. This is generally used in areas that need more localized treatments, such as prostate cancer.

X-rays are, essentially, photons...radio waves...electromagnetic radiation just like light. Think of it as a microwave oven, just much stronger, more specifically directed and of a much higher frequency. Any form of electromagnetic energy can cause problems to a body, just ask any ham radio operator that has gotten an "RF Burn"...they'll tell you right quick.

For interests sake, it is important to know that microwave ovens operate in the 2.4 GHz band. This is because water molecules oscillate at 2.4 GHz...thus causing heating. Other items in this area: cordless phones and 802.11b, g and n wireless network devices. This is one reason that the FCC has limits on the field strength of both licensed and Part 15 unlicensed transmitters in this frequency range. Your wi-fi could be cooking you! Not really, though...the power is so low that it wouldn't really affect anything. Now the internet flowing through the wi-fi just might kill you, however.

You may have heard in the news about people being exposed to antennas or something similar and being hurt or killed. I seem to remember hearing a story a while back about a security guard that worked somewhere where there was a microwave transmitter...like a telecommunications microwave link tower or TV station link. This dingleberry found out that they could stay warm if they stood in front of the antenna. Of course, this is true, it will keep you warm...you stay warm because it is cooking you like a morning bowl of oatmeal! They supposedly found him dead on the ground, and exploded beer cans next to the antenna. This may be an urban legend, but could happen. It is not just the frequency that can determine the safety of a generated signal, but the power of the transmitter and the distance to the antenna and type of antenna. This is why the FCC has, and enforces quite severely, rules pertaining to radiation exposure from transmitter antennas...both licensed and unlicensed.

Interestingly enough, my engineer friend McA has a complete set of 6 GHz radios from an AT&T microwave relay station that was upgraded. Now tell me he's not planning something...

With regular radiation therapy, there is no residual radioactivity. Once the beam is turned off, the radiation is completely gone, just like turning off a light switch. Other than the side effects that develop over time, no one would be the wiser that you were getting any treatment at all.

With therapy using radioactive seeds, these are highly radioactive materials and they stay radioactive. If the seed materials are not handled properly, there could be radioactive particles left to float around in the facility where the treatment happens. Of course, any radiation technician that is good will take all required and necessary precautions.

So, don't be afraid of anyone getting radiation therapy. They won't radiate you, they won't fog your film, they won't erase your credit cards, they won't mess up your TV...

Now, someone that just had a PET scan...yes, they are radioactive for a short time after the treatment, usually about 18-24 hours. The radioactive materials are not dangerous, and are eliminated quickly through pee-pee. The radioactive materials are such a low level emitter that only really sensitive detectors would know, like the ones at a nuclear power plant or a nuclear-materials-enrichment facility. If you didn't have a "get out of jail free" card, like in my last post, they would go all Silkwood on your ass.

There is a very slim chance, however, that they could fog camera film. I came across a website about a guy that experiments with a variety of low-emission radioactive sources to make "x-rays" using Polaroid film. One of his subjects was a person that had a cardio stress-test, and this poor guniea pig walked around with a Polaroid film cartridge strapped to him for hours. It was all in the name of science, after all. You can read more about this here: http://www.omnimatter.com/2007/12/making-your-own.html. This is pretty cool stuff. Just be careful with anything radioactive, otherwise you may just need that stuff to give yourself some do-it-yourself cancer treatments!

Here is a tip from an amateur photographer who still loves film, and used to manage a photo lab. When traveling, use a lead lined bag to hold your film. In the US, the x-ray machines are pretty powerful, but won't really hurt any film lower than 800 speed. In foreign airports, the x-ray machines can be much, much "hotter" and can ruin film as low as 200 speed. I had a relatively expensive roll of Kodak T-Max P3200 black-and-white film completely fogged by the newer x-ray machines at the Dayton airport. Specialty films, like black-and-white and infrared-sensitive films, can be especially sensitive.

So there.

The Impending Alien Invasion

I complain to damn much about everything, so I've decided to try to not complain in my blog entries. Well, not complain as much. Like I said in my last post, I guess I am turning back into the unpleasant old curmudgeon that I used to be.

Anyhow, I read on CNN today...after reading about Benazir Bhutto's assassination, which came as a terrible and saddening shock to me and could thrust Pakistan back another 100 years politically...about the asteroid heading for Mars.

There is a 1 in 75 chance that the asteroid will hit Mars. And thankfully it is Mars and not Earth, which is a planet close to all of our hearts and our current optimal choice for a galactic residence. Astronomers are all excited about seeing an impact like this (maybe if it happens, perhaps) since they have not really seen one before. Sure the Shoemaker-Levy comet impact on Jupiter was cool, but that is a gas giant. There would be no crater left behind to look at and study.

Mars is awful close to us, and there are observatory satellites in orbit spying on our little red neighbor, so scientists and the general public alike are in a good position to see the impact and study how it affects the Martian environment. It has been said that the Tunguska blast in Siberian Russia around 100 years ago was an asteroid about this size. That blast flattened trees for 25 miles in every direction. If a similar event happened, say over New York, that could be very unpleasant indeed. By the asteroid hitting Mars, astronomers should get a pretty good idea of how a similar impact would affect our planet and what might be the best way to avert such an event.

Scientists are putting a lot of effort and money into looking for potential space-borne threats to our little planet. This, in my opinion, is a good idea. We can recover from certain threats, like wars and global warming and all that. These are things that we have brought upon ourselves, and we should be able to get ourselves out of these messes in relatively short order. A comet or asteroid...well, that is pretty much game over. Like in the movie Deep Impact, there would obviously be sort of a feeling of dreaded, depressing doom that there is not one thing that we can do to stop our eventual destruction. That would be a bummer of a feeling. I think if I was faced with this kind of situation, I would go out and buy a really expensive BMW because one of my goals is to have one before I pass from this earth, and with the Earth no more somehow I don't think bill collectors will be hounding me for the payments.

I remember back in high school I did an oral report in history class about UFOs and how they relate to conspiracy theories. It was a convenient subject, being that I live so close to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base...our area is rife with stories and theories about UFOs. "Hangar 18" on base being where they perhaps took the alien bodies and pieces of spacecraft after maybe crashing in Roswell and taken to "Area 51", and the supposed "nuclear reactor" that was "built to provide power" perhaps but never actually saw even a single atom of uranium because it was maybe built as a convenient cover for the alien tomb or perhaps not. In my report, using the principles of physics and optics, I explained how light can be manipulated by natural phenomena to appear to be alien in nature. I showed several video demonstrations involving lasers and interference patterns that can cause the light waves to bend, spread and converge in interesting and unique patterns...sort of conveniently explaining away what some people can believe are UFOs as tricks of the light.

In the many years that I have lived here, I have seen lots of weird stuff around the base. Strange lights floating around, bizarre "aircraft" taking off and landing, that kind of thing. But for those of us that have lived here for a while, it is all rote. We see these weird things and it doesn't faze any of us. I remember driving home from work one day, and as I exited the highway to get to my street, there were four stealth bombers on maneuvers over the base. It was great to see these huge planes flying around so gracefully with each other, the pilots being quite adept at some slick handling. But, again, while many that don't live so near the base would find this to be extremely exciting...something that they would only see if they lived in a war zone or at an air show...for us it is something that we see almost every day. It is old hat, status quo, same old same old. Meh.

I am a huge sci-fi fan, especially Star Trek. I'd like to believe there are aliens, and that one day we will all live in relative harmony with each other. Even though I would like to believe there are aliens, I have never seen anything that would serve as confirmation...in my mind...that aliens really exist.

When it comes to UFOs and aliens, I think there are six types of people:
1. The Non-Believers: These people don't believe in aliens, UFOs or the possibility of life elsewhere. Period.
2. The Agnostics: These people don't know what to believe, having no compelling evidence either way, and don't really care.
3. The Doubting Thomases: These people doubt that aliens exist, but are open minded enough that if they have compelling evidence presented to them, they could believe.
4. The Blind Faithful: These people like to believe that life exists elsewhere, but have never experienced anything truly bizarre and unusual and are generally on the lookout for proof that aliens exist...or at least an alien society slightly less screwed up than our own.
5. The Believers: These people believe that life exists elsewhere, and that UFOs are real, and have had one or more unusual experiences that they consider to be proof of same, but are not wholly and completely fanatical about it.
6. The Zealots: These people believe that UFOs and aliens are real, they have been here and contacted humans or have claimed they have been abducted by aliens and want to make sure everyone knows about their alien anal probe down to the last detail.

It isn't really a scientific approach to the issue, but something that I have been thinking about...at least inasmuch of trying to write an amusing blog entry. I like to think that I am in category 4. Nothing strange has ever happened to me, at least that I would consider to be alien contact, but I would like to think that we are not alone. I would certainly think that no sufficiently advanced civilization outside of our solar system would actually give a damn about us; in fact I would go as far to say that if there were alien societies elsewhere, they would probably want to stay as far away from us as possible.

One of my favorite all-time flicks is Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In one scene you see the inside of what is supposed to be Indianapolis ATC (air traffic control), with a controller (played by the always great Carl Weathers) managing a few flights. All of the sudden, radar indicates a signature with no transponder ID heading straight into the flight path of two commercial aircraft. The object is described in detail by the pilot, and the object does a close fly-by of the leading aircraft. The event is witnessed by the pilots of a second, trailing aircraft. Afterward, a seemingly important, Isaac Asimov-looking gentleman asks the controller to contact the pilots of both aircraft and ask if they want to report a UFO. The pilots eventually respond with what seems like a lot of trepidation that they would not like to file any reports of any kind.

I have to wonder how many unusual events like this go unreported by pilots. Certainly strange events like this have happened, and there have been reports few and far between. I think it may be taboo in the realm of airline pilots to talk about incidents like this. Is it because of the possibility that they may be made out to be freaks? Could their reports of strange incidents like this be construed as mental instability that could put their certification at risk? Since this is a pretty high-level connection to the government, how much does the government know about incidents of an alien nature? How much has been covered up? Somehow, I don't think we will ever know the truth...some people wouldn't be able to handle it.

I certainly hope that I now don't seem like a wacko or a freak to anyone that reads this diatribe, but I find all aspects of the UFO phenomenon, from the truth to the lies, the conspiracies, the zealots that preach of alien encounters and bizarre medical experiments, infinitely interesting.

Really, I'm just all about the BMW.

Being Shot in Downtown Dayton

I made a comment on one of my favorite blogs that I read regularly about the supposed terrible state of Downtown Dayton. I decided to expand on that a little bit...mainly because I want to bitch about it here rather than at work.

I have worked in Downtown Dayton for more than 10 years, right on the Third and Main corner that is the focus of most of the attention. Many organizations in Dayton, which will remain nameless (because they know who they are!) are intent to blame the RTA for the problems of youth congregating at Third and Main.

Why are they there? Because we deliver them from school, and they transfer there. That is the main transfer point in Dayton. It is what we do, we are a bus company after all. Sure we have limited service routes running from the large high schools and middle schools direct to the neighborhoods they serve, but since Dayton is the Charter School* Capital of the World, we have to contend with students coming and going at all hours of the day.

*Charter Schools, n., a government instituted vehicle that enables people to steal from the government under the guise of delivering an adequate education to students that meets or exceeds that which is delivered by the incumbent public school system.

The public school district has to provide transportation under state law. That is all well and good, but they cannot afford to run buses everywhere they need. So they ask (demand) the RTA to transport students. So we negotiate with them, and sell them transportation at a pittance. So, there are more students in the system, and our planners have to pull out their hair to contend with the headway adjustments and routing needed for all this transportation.

The city, the school board and the "others" that don't like "that element" downtown, because it is causing people not to want to come downtown, have brought this upon themselves. These are also the same organizations that see the RTA as a cash cow because we have the Federal Transportation Administration to get grants from. I have no power at the RTA, but if I did I would come down pretty hard on these organizations and shut off the flow of cash. I, however, have no tact and would probably be run out on a rail.

I am just getting so sick of these organizations blaming their problems on "that element" and using the RTA as their scapegoat. And yes, they have actually used the phrase "that element" in public meetings and press conferences. It disgusts me.

Bitching over. I hope that no one at work reads this, because I could probably be in deep shit for my opinions, but whatever. The RTA isn't perfect, but I am growing tired of us being walked on.

Now for the good part...

I have worked downtown for a long time. I once was the IT manager for a very respected law firm in Dayton. (Read: NOT ambulance chasers) During the summer months, it is very common to see everyone and their brother walking around downtown, especially on Courthouse Square. Numerous local restaurants and mobile vendors set up shop on the square to sell lunches and drinks to the crowd. Dayton, regardless of what many people say, has a very walkable downtown. There are a number of great little restaurants that I and my colleagues from the firm would go to, some pretty much every day!

I once was crossing the street at Third and Main heading back to the office after a trip to the library. As soon as I stepped into the shadow of my building, I felt a "tap" on top of my head. I thought it was a splash of water...silly me! I reached up to it and my hand came back with a nasty, viscous, white slime. I was so embarrassed! I tried to be as nonchalant as I could, holding my head to cover the massive dollop of pigeon dookie just deposited on my cranium. Imagine some idiot walking along holding his hand to the top of his head, for no apparent reason, just as if it was completely normal...what a doofus.

I passed security, with some stares. They, of course, just thought I was an idiot. I managed to secure an empty elevator rather quickly and rode up the 17 floors, hoping that no one needed an up elevator just now. In the mirrored elevator car I could clearly see the nastiness.

Still holding my head, again still trying to blend in, I exited the elevator and tried to hurry along to the restroom to wash out my hair. The receptionist, unbeknownst to me, was paying a great deal of attention and panicked after I disappeared into the restroom alcove. She called one of the lawyers and the office manager saying that I was hurt, and that I had possibly been shot in the head!

All hell started breaking loose. One of my attorney pals, M.S., came into the restroom (the office manager, a great lady G.C.R., was...well...a lady) and saw that I was washing out my hair. When he found out that, yes, I had been shot in the head...by a pigeon...the whole office found out in about 30 seconds. I had to live with the ridicule for about six months.

But I have to admit, it was quite funny. Every time I think about it I have to laugh!

If you are ever in Downtown Dayton and need to eat, call me. I recommend the Sesame Chicken from Mandarin Kitchen, the Bourbon Chicken from Lucky Dragon, everything at Thai9 and, of course, the pride of Dayton...Flying Pizza!!!

Happy Fun Poetry

Here is some silly, funny and patently naughty poetry that a friend sent me. I hope that it will lighten the mood from my last post...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie Man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb shit!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men,
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car!

Humor of Sri Lanka

A friend and colleague of mine, APK, is from Sri Lanka. He sent me the jokes below to give me some insight into Sri Lankan culture and humor. I hope one day to travel there, and he said that he would be glad to show me around and we would stay in his family's home.

Udurawana's Getting Married
Udurawana's Girl Friend: "I'm one year elder than you....will it be effected badly to our marriage?"
Udurawana: "No, not at all. We'll marry next year."

Hidden Cameras
Mrs. Udurawana caught Udurawana searching high and low all around his living room.
Mrs. Udurawana: "What are you searching for?"
Mr. Udurawana: "Hidden cameras!"
Mrs. Udurawana: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Mr. Udurawana: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching Rupavahini channel'. How does he know that?"

Relaxing
Udurawana was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"
Udurawana answered, "No, I am Udurawana."
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Udurawana answered, "No! No! Me Udurawana!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Udurawana was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Sri Lankan soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"
The other man was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Udurawana slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

Heaven
Udurawana died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates Saint Peter told him that new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Udurawana thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
Udurawana replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

The Wash Basin
Udurawana goes to a hotel in Colombo and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Sir, what are you doing?"
Udurawana replies, "Read this board here, it says 'Wash Basin.'"

English Exam
Udurawana finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how he did on his exam. He replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought and thought, at last I wrote THUNK!!!"

Answer the Following Questions in Brief
Udurawana is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well, followed by his pants, socks and watch.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I am only following the instructions here," he says, "it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief.'"

Essay
The English teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except Udurawana. He has written. "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!!!"

The Postman
Postman: "I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this parcel."
Udurawana: "Why did you come so far? Instead you could have posted it."

Coffee Shop
Udurawana and his wife went to a coffee shop.
Udurawana said, "Hurry up! Drink quickly!"
His Wife asked, "Why?"
Udurawana said, "Hot Coffee Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs 10!"

Letter to his Son
Udurawana was writing something very slowly.
A friend came and asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?"
Udurawana replies, "I'm writing to my 6 years old son. He can't read very fast."

How I Look When I'm Sleeping
Udurawana was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife sees this and asks: "What you are doing?"
Udurawana replies, "I'm seeing how I look while I'm sleeping!"